From talking to walking

Life sweeps me up, work and work and more work and kids and baseball and getting Natalie settled in college and watching the Obama vs. McCain election coverage as if my life -- all our lives -- depended on it… I forget about the site, no not forget, that is not the word. I have a running argument with myself about whether it matters, whether it is worth my time, whether it is a self-indulgent thing or an important thing to do. It seems both -- but now suddenly I am in a little stretch between assignments, I have time.

I spent three months over last winter rewriting the entire thing, doubling its size. It is really a book now, cut up into Web pages. Not exactly Web friendly length, but, I can’t seem to leave anything out…

I’ve spent these past few weeks loading up those new pages. Now suddenly I am getting to the point where I can’t add anymore without contacting other people. I am almost to the point where it is no longer my little private project, but something subject to other opinions. Which is what I want. In theory. I want to settle this argument whether launching this site is a self-indulgent thing or an important thing to do. An exact reflection of the argument whether we need a New Age anymore or not. Ultimately, its not my own personal argument to settle, but an argument that must be decided collectively.

But what surprises me is in posting these idealistic thoughts, how it keeps me honest. How I do things differently. Little things, like buying grocery bags to reuse instead of throwing away gobs of plastic bags every week. Big things, like meditating more. Like donating money to different causes so I don’t make a hypocrite of myself. And I stop myself from spilling my anxiety about the election in letters to the editor and such, letters that would be full of things like, ‘what kind of idiot would vote for McCain, or any Republican, after these past eight years of disaster?‘ I can’t do that after toiling on a Web site that promotes respect of different spiritual stages, and counsels an integral approach. We don’t get anywhere by making the other guy wrong, says Ghandi, we must simply hold to our truth, respectfully…

This is how the site is changing me. I have to walk my talk because I wrote it down, and I’m now about to put it out there.

Plus, I get emails, comments from people that stumble across the site as I’ve let it lie ignored. They say I am on the right track. So….Now I test all the links, then start emailing people for feedback. My new launch date is February 1, 2009.

I want to wait until after the election because either way, that will change the tone of so many things. It will either be a more hopeful time, a sign that it is truly an opportune moment for a New Age -- or a Republican and fear win again, and we will have another confirmation that we need to better join together to help ourselves evolve. Or at least I tell myself this in hopes of beating back the despair that surely awaits many of us if Obama loses this thing….

I pray each day, Please, God, open the hearts of the people, free them from their fear, give us all the courage to reach for hope… And -- Please God, open my heart so I will not eat myself up with anger and despair if fear wins again.