I remember who I am

I spent years on the text, months on the idea, weeks on getting the Web site together, countless hours, and then—

I let it go. Dropped, walked away. As if it had never been important to me. At first it was just that I got a lot of work dropped in my lap, planned a wedding, bought a house, busy, busy, thinking I’d get back to the site eventually. Then almost immediately, that marriage – another one! – fell apart around me, within me. The divorce shook my confidence down to rubble, laid waste to all my beliefs about myself and reality. It seemed that every thought and belief I had was suspect.

And then there’s the administration of George W. Bush, destroyer of dreams and goodness for all people everywhere. However upset I had been when he was re-elected, that was nothing compared to the long slow oppression of hope during this last term of his. I have felt so despairing over a society that sits mute and allows a man like that do whatever nasty thing he pleases to the world – for profit, for the glory of his religion, for who the hell knows what reason… All my idealism seemed the smallest most useless light in the face of catastrophic howling darkness. (Oh yes, drama is my middle name)

I simply could not bear the thought of looking at the Web site, was embarrassed that I had once looked into the future with such hope. I felt it represented too much of my own wishful thinking – a fake paradise. Like my marriage. Like the idea of democracy under Bush. Like the housing market in Phoenix in 2007.

Then came the WGA strike, losing my paying job, losing my house. A strange disaster that knocked me further down the hole – and sent me tumbling out the bottom into a temporary freedom. Without the work, I have time.

I moped through a few weeks wondering, what should I do with myself? The Web site did not immediately occur to me. It had been my habit to brush it off in my mind, a painful reminder of the unrealistic idealist I used to be. And yet there I was asking my old idealist questions: Where can I be useful, do some cause some good?

And the other day, I thought – maybe I should just look at it. Maybe even read a few pages. And as I took a peek into it, I was stunned and amazed. These were not my old outdated thoughts. These thoughts still made perfect sense to me. They were still me, still mine. This is still my dream, and my deepest hope. I am going to pick it up again.